Balancing Act

Caught in the balance of a balancing act:

An act where it seems nothing is based on fact

But rather on feeling.

Feeling based on a heart that is sporadic and inconsistent—ever-changing

And the only consistency is that of the burden that’s been placed on me.

The burden to fix, to control, to heal.

But I have to wonder: How am I to fix, if I’m broken? How am I to control, if I’m helpless? How am I to heal, if I’m still hurting?

Who am I to think that I can fix any of this? Do I consider myself that powerful? So powerful that I can bear not only the burdens that I, myself have, but also the burdens of those close to me?

Lord, I’ve asked you to break my heart from what breaks yours, but I never considered my pride asking to take on everything that’s being poured. Every. Single. Drop.

All weighing heavier and heavier on my shoulders until I collapse under the pressure and weight, leaving a wake of chaos and confusion. I did all of this in the name of peace and glory to You, God, but only left strife and tension in relationships that point to a God who can hardly manage the day-to-day lives of His creation.

Lord, give me the faith to cast ALL of my burdens on you—both the personal and relational ones. Give me the trust to cast them on you, and KNOW that you will provide and ease the stress, pain, frustration, and heartache that I feel because of the burdens that I have.

God, give me the focus to keep my eyes on the Cross and always aim to glorify You, not myself. Give me the drive to cultivate relationships that thrive in maturity and Godliness. Help my actions be rooted in Scripture, not in preference or resistance.

I need to toss balance out the window and fall completely into Your embrace, God. Why do I try and play Gapetto when the strings I’m pulling only lead back to…me. Lord, just melt my heart and increase my raw desire to be used by You, Lord.

Just use me.

-Your son