Solomon's Mixtape Spoken Word

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If Only
Lurin Reynolds

Up late again, can't sleep, heart violently beating inside my chest. 
And I’m trying to decipher what's worse—being numb or being depressed. 
I don't want to feel again, it hurts to desire. 
I forgot what it feels like to long. 
I'm retired from working through feelings. 
I've become so logical. 
I'm not sure if I believe in healing. I'm emotionally agnostic. 
So I hold my feelings hostage. 
My pain is at gunpoint with the safety off and I’m ready to go off so stop it. 
Right there. 
You can't come any closer. 
No, we can't be any closer. 
If you come any closer, my finger may slip and my pain will splatter everywhere. 
Anyone close to me will have my blood on them and I can't live with that. So please take a few steps back. 
A few more. 
This is who I am and if you don't like it, there's the door. 
Wait, where’re you going? 
There's more. 
I keep you at arm’s distance but I remember the longing to be known and to know. 
And I stopped longing long ago,
When being known meant being hurt and being hurt compounded on top of hurt. 
When wounds became infected, I amputated longing but I still have phantom feelings, secret thoughts, and daydreams of what it might look like for me to know you and you to know me. 
If only. If only you could see past my shame. 
If only. If only we could realize we were just the same, 
But then appreciate each other’s differences. 
If only. If only when I failed, you'd be quick to forgive. 
If only. If only love could take the blood-splattered blow of pain and rejection and then have a resurrection. 
If only. If only love were sacrificial and desiring to be loved wouldn't require everything. 
If only. If only my heart was liberated to give everything, maybe then I could dare to desire to be loved, to be known, to know. 
If only.


Lurin Reynolds

Love covers a multitude of sin, 
But your lust uncovered me,
Exposed all my ugly, 
Then choked and smothered me,
Wrung me out of all my dignity.
What was once drenched in love
Dried up all my trust.
I lost my best friend and my lover to lust.
At first, I could only see it in glimpses, 
But every time I did, it shoveled coal on flames of Jealousy. 
It awoke a dragon of insecurity and it was breathing heavily. 
She came into my house like a whisper, 
As cold as night cloaked in light, 
Singing of beautiful delights.
I guess her nagging was different than mine.
I mean it was just as intense but as smooth as wine.
He was intoxicated by her.
She moved into my house and there was no questioning her because as soon as I did, he quickly came to her rescue, reminding me that I was the reason she belonged in our home. I was the villain.
I think I must have put too much salt on the chicken, the house wasn't  clean enough, the laundry wouldn't stay done. I gained way too much weight and I didn't care about his needs.
Not to belittle his concerns but this is what you call dragon feed.
I couldn't  pray her out my house,
I couldn't counsel her out my house.
She moved in and brought her good friend Suspicion. They kicked off their shoes and got real comfortable. They kept inviting more friends. It was so crowded, Trust couldn't stay.
It was so crowded, I wanted to get out the way. But I was holdin’ on to my lover, even when I saw the flames in his eyes go out.
Even though it burned to love him. 
I watched his affections grow for her. 
She had his eyes.
He had fallen in love with her lies.
They were much more beautiful than the truth to him.
She had his ears.
I pleaded with him. I told him it was just chasing after the wind. 
Come back to me. I miss my friend.
But I was the source of this dissatisfaction and our vows didn't compare to his fatal attractions. 
Lust started in the heart,
Grew arms with a look,
Grew legs on Facebook, 
Started walking dangerous paths,
And ran right into deception.
Now our marriage is broken, 
And I'm praying and I’m hoping
That lust would turn my lover loose.
But two truths equals one lie,
And now all we have is division.
It's been so hard to subtract myself from this equation. 
He's my groom, my lover, my leader, my heartbreaker, my cheater.
I'm angry, I’m seething, I’m broken, I’m shattered.
This is our covenant before God. I thought that mattered. 
You looked me in my eyes and said you warned me with tears about how your needs were neglected. But from my side, everything seems dyslexic. Cause I remember you calling out my flaws oh so reckless.
And the only tears I remember belonged to me and to God as I cried out to Him laying your needs before His feet. 
You were pursuing your lust. I was pursuing your heart. I never wanted to share your affection. This is way too much. Now I’m mad at God ‘cause I hate suffering. Ain't that somethin’.
My heart hurts so bad that it hurts to breathe.
I wrote two bitter love songs,
And some real dark poetry. 
But mostly I just prayed. 
I prayed through the pain,
I prayed through the anger,
I prayed to God that for one day I didn't exist, so that for one day I didn't have to remember this.
I prayed with my soul curled up in a fetal position, 
I prayed with my only hope in the fact that He listens.
I had conversations with God,
I had arguments with Him that were so intense,
And He wasn't even mad at our arguments. They were like incense. They always ended in sweet worship.
My lamentations made me restless. I couldn’t sleep. I’m afraid the bags under my eyes may be permanent ‘cause all I did was weep. 
And God keep stepping over places that had caution tape.
My pain keeps getting resurrected, 
This feels new daily,
I’m going crazy,
All this while I’m pregnant with our second baby,
And our dreams come true have turned into a nightmare that I can't wake up from. 
I’m searching through memories trying to find some that haven't been tainted, but it seems lust ruined everything that was sacred.
I feel jealousy in my bones. It was never meant for me to share something that was just my own.
I had to relate with God in his jealousy,.
And remember in the face of my sin, He pursued me zealously.
God help me ‘cause pain this deep begs me to be bitter.
Father, let your love run deeper,
And I beg you, be my brother’s keeper.